Signs of possessive relationships
- 31 October 2021
- 3 min read
Conditional love communicates messages like: “I have done so much for you, so here is what you have to do for me.” Or “I need you’re: time. Love, to be here, attention, you have to live your life according to what I believe and think.” “You have to take care of me exactly the way I want. If you don’t do what I want, there will be consequences.” “If you don’t do what I want, I will take away your house, your car, your food, my love, if you disrespect me by not doing what I say!”.
This kind of psychologically suffocating relationship can be even physically suffocating, for the person's wife/kids it concerns. It does not allow personal space outside that approved by the conditional love abuser. The partner of the abuser has to give up all the choices for his/her life, wants and needs are intentionally ignored for the sake of the conditional love abuser's egocentric purposes. “No, you can’t spend the day with your family for the holidays. We can go for an hour.” “If you spend time with anyone but me, it means you don’t love me, and I will take all my love and everything I give to you away. You can go if you like, but you have to be home when I say.” “Sure, we can get a dog. But it has to be one kind I want”.
Relationship with the ultimatum
The persona inside the demanding and possessive soul hides a needy little child, they long for love and appreciation. If you don’t provide it the way, they want and need conditional love, the abuser will punish you. Under the surface lies deep-seated insecurity and fear of loss, especially of relationships, because that is how they will punish you. The conditional love abuser is practically incapable of experiencing self-love and self-acceptance. The behavior of giving an ultimatum to punish their husband/wife/kids with consequences is a great example of how they compensate.
Possessive love cannot accept the connection of love through the heart. They cannot understand they were born “good, and wonderful” the need for affirmation, confirmation, and domination of the persons in their life is what they need to control to feel ‘Okay.” They want you to listen intently and patiently to their point of view and stories over and over, and expect never to have to listen to you. They expect and need you to agree with their viewpoint and to act with their moral ideas about life. You are not allowed to have an opinion or thought. The grip on their children is suffocating, and they will squeeze tighter if a child tries to break loose in living an adult life or having a partner, or making a decision based on needs opposite that of the “conditional love abuser” rules. He/she demands you give up everything and take care of their health and daily needs regardless of your own needs. The “conditional love abuser” will withhold their help, support, love, if you don’t meet their demands. Nothing you do will ever be enough.
The “conditional love abuser”
The “conditional love abuser” is constricting and criticizing everyone and everything in their life. They desperately try to be the center of attention, and this behavior leads to what they fear most: loss of relationships. Social and gentle personalities are most likely the type of people to fall victim to the above-described emotional vampires. Unfortunately, the unknowing child and weak partner of such a person will never be able to live your own life. They may use cunning management techniques that touch your heart. They willingly help you, support you financially, and worry about your well-being, but support is based on the conditions they set over time. They depend on you; they could use sickness to draw your attention. It happens over time and in limited doses. All of these behaviors belong in a normal relationship, but in a possessive relationship, these methods are used to make you do what they want, to exercise power in a gentle way. And if you dare to act on your own and in a way they did not think of or approve, they will let you know with self-pity or anger that you're something they did not approve of and that you are the cause of their unhappiness. Of course, the illusion making you feel guilty is the way they control you to fight your spiritual freedom and progress.
Find your aim for this life
The road to recovery for you is to understand the psychology of the situation. Realizing that no matter how loving and giving you wish to be. You cannot live somebody else’s life; each person is put on this earth to do something useful with the gifts God gave us. Unhappiness, stress, energy drains will show you that something is wrong with your situation. You are the only person who can decide and find your aim for this life. In order to be happy, you have to insist calmly and consistently on your personal space to get the happiness you deserve. Telling a loved one “no” does not mean that you have stopped loving that person.